Dr. Hal’s Corner: Natural Laws of Existence

1. Law of Mechanical Repair – After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you’ll have to pee.

Dr. Hal

2. Law of Gravity – Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.

3. Law of Probability – The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of Random Numbers – If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal; someone always answers.

5. Variation Law – If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.

6. Law of the Bath – When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone will ring.

7. Law of Close Encounters – The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.

8. Law of the Result – When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, IT WILL!!!

9. Law of Biomechanics – The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to your reach.

10. Law of the Theatre & Football Stadium – At any event, the people whose seats are farthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. 

The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance.

The aisle people also are very surly folk.

11. The Coffee Law – As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss or your spouse will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

12. Murphy’s Law of Lockers – If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

13. Law of Physical Surfaces – The chances of an open-faced jam sandwich landing face down on a floor are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug

14. Law of the Logical Argument – Anything is possible if you don’t know what you are talking about.

15. Law of Physical Appearance – If the clothes fit, they’re likely ugly.

16. The 50-50-90 Law – Whenever there’s a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability that you’ll get it wrong.

17. Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy – As soon as you find a product that you really like, or works well, they will stop making it OR the store will stop selling it.

18. Doctors’ Law – If you don’t feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there, you’ll feel better. But don’t make an appointment and you’ll stay sick much longer.

Dr. Hal’s Corner

A good buddy of mine has two Super Bowl tickets, 40-yard line box seats, 20 rows up. He paid $4,500 each, but he didn’t realize when he bought them, it was going to be on the same day as his wedding. Probably because of the extra game this year. If you’re interested, he’s looking for someone to take his place… It’s at Calvary church in San Clemente at 3 p.m. The bride’s name is Nicole, she’s 5’4″, about 115 lbs., very smart and a decent cook too. She’ll be in the white dress.

Dr. Hal’s Corner!

Did I read that sign right?

“TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW.”

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT.

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS…

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN.

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK, STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD.

Outside a second-hand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING – BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS…

Spotted in a safari park:       
ELEPHANTS, PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR.
(I sure hope so.)

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN’T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR.

Notice in a farmer’s field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS.

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR – THE BELL DOESN’T WORK.)
Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn’t you say?

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife And Daughter
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!!   They put in a correction the next day.

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Really? Ya’ think?

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that’s taking things a bit far!

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!       

Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing’ lazy so-and-so’s!

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant       
See if that works better than a fair trial!

War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!

If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya’ think?!

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!

Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there’s something stronger than duct tape?       

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren’t they fat enough?!

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That’s what he gets for eating those beans!

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!

And the winner is…
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?

Dr. Hal’s Corner: At it Again!!

Every box of raisins is a tragic tale of grapes that could have been wine . . . 

They say we can have gatherings with up to eight people without issues.  I don’t even know eight people without issues. 

Theme parks can snap a crystal-clear picture of you on a roller coaster going 70 mph, but bank cameras can’t get a clear shot of a robber standing still. 

Someone posted that they had just made synonym buns.  I replied “you mean just like the ones that grammar used to make?”  I am now blocked. 

Dear paranoid people who check behind their shower curtains for murderers . . . if you do find one, what’s your plan? 

The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the ark. 

Facial recognition software can pick a person out of a crowd but the vending machine at work can’t recognize a dollar bill with a bent corner. 

When all this pandemic stuff is over, I still plan to wear a mask.  It hides the perpetual look of annoyance I have for most people. 

I never make the same mistake twice.  I do it like, five or six times, you know, to make sure. 

Someone just honked to get me out of my parking space faster, so now I just have to sit here until both of us are dead. 

My train of thought derailed.  There were no survivors. 

If you see someone buying candy, popcorn and a soda at the movies, they must be a drug dealer.  There’s no other explanation for that type of income. 

After a year of this pandemic, I’m either going out for ice cream or to commit a felony.  I’ll decide in the car. 

It is time to clean out a purse when the car assumes it’s an extra passenger who isn’t wearing a seat belt.  

Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body will get rid of cellulite.  Apparently, you can’t do this in Starbucks.  And now the cops are here. 

Do not vaccinate health care workers first.  If it fails, we’re all in trouble.  Vaccinate the politicians first.  If we lose a few of them, it won’t matter. 

In the 1980s I fell off my bike and hurt my knee.  I’m telling you this now because we didn’t have social media then. 

Some people seem to have aged like fine wine.  I aged like milk … I got sour and chunky. 

Dear Sneeze: If you’re going to happen, happen.  Don’t just put a stupid look on my face and then leave. 

Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.  Nine horrible, worthless, baconless years

I still have a full deck; I just shuffle slower.